Page 97-Transition: Passage from one state, stage, or subject to another

I wonder all the time why things happen and why I feel so much. These letters are my release; they are my beginning and my ending.

: Colors Of Your Skin:
: Skin Deep Four:

Scratches across a windowpane
The smell of the crisp spring rain
For I have become submerged in something I once was afraid of
The usage, the verbage, the adjective now faint
Coming back to you in a different form
I am taking that risk

The crashing of the waves against the sand
The beach seems so surreal
I came back to the place where I left you
The place where we collided into one another
The beginning and the end

The underlying canvas has thinned
Yet there is no faint shade evident
I have now befriended you
Solid and content
And there is nothing more

The sun glaring upon your bare body
Streaming aqua blue
You are still like the lace that has woven my suit
Carefree and aloof

Beige in thought
Plain and dreamlike
For we are now conversing as if no colors were peeled

For there is no accident of us meeting
You have changed your colors
For there is no such green evident
No leading unpleasant
For this is real

Our meeting was not a fluke
The verb of forgiveness was put in use
For this is how I feel:

Laying there without a care
Your profound structure glistening from within
I lay next to you
Admiring the changes in your texture
For it is no longer lined with deception
But splashed with an array of hues
It’s an eclectic tune
Designed by electric blues

Suspended are the colors
The easel no longer
Independently we lay
For the falsity had smudged away by the monsoon rains
Displaced and vanished without trace
And now we are amongst these grains

These same grains that had left my heart chafed
But no longer is that pain reeling inside me
It has drowned in the ocean
Sweeping across the ocean floors
While the suns rays are shadowing us in

But I am no longer the same
For this is what I feel:

My thoughts have been charcoaled in
I am experiencing the sin of the season
The colors of treason

The puddles of my blood are along the sand
For I am burdening myself ill
My canvas has been covered by dominant hues: The shade of maroon

I have been stained
All I can do is wait
Time is what I need
I need a filter for the time being

Black: The only color to describe what I am feeling
For the night has cast a shade on my paintings
As you lay here beside me
Holding me
Helping me
For now we are reconciling something that was once lost: A friendship

We have switched the roles
For you are no longer in need
As for I
This shadow of lust had tainted me green



Speechless I am
Twisted with my lace
I am suffocating
No longer breathing hope
For this is the end
My entry has been closed out and filled in

For this story was about us
And now I am writing about another
Expressing my feelings with hatred
And you’re comforting me
After you had once hurt me
For you will always be chapter three

Under the night sky
Talking over the wires that we control
I lay my head to rest
As my feet are buried underneath
I have come into terms with this reality
No one is meant for me

Twisted are our emotions
Memories in the making
For life is ever changing
As we are breathing the air that we are given
This was no accident
It was just another life lesson: A Transition Through Time

Page 96-Foreshadowing: Hint or suggest beforehand

As if I want to live a miserable life, do I? I think not, I feel like there is so much pressure on me, I feel like no one understands me anymore. I want to explore this world to the depths of the ocean, to the highest utmost point; I want to look at every star in the skies above. I want to love without shame, I want to love without pain, and I want to give without losing so much, so much of myself. I feel like I’m alone, I feel like God has abandoned me for some times to discover him again, and again. I don’t know why God would be doing this and I don’t know why I would be feeling this, but I feel it and I wish I didn’t. I consider myself religious; I just wish I felt loved. It’s funny and quite sad how much pain I have experienced in such a short period of time. I no longer feel sorry for myself, but I feel stronger knowing that I’m not going to let it happen again, never again. I love life, I really do, but I think what I love about it is what I can give to others. I think by me giving others hope and happiness, it makes me love life even more. I felt last week my world was crashing down, I figured out what I want to do in my life. I feel like spending the night under the stars. I want to just think and gaze forever. I remember when I was little I used to wish so hard on the stars thinking that it was God up there. It’s funny now because I still wish so hard and I still think God is up there. I know things happen for a reason, I know one is supposed to learn from there own mistakes, but I hope that I don’t make any more mistakes. I don’t want to be in a relationship because it hurts. I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to love and lose any more. I may sound like I’m going far out on this, but I’m more serious than ever. I’m officially broken and repairing myself everyday. I wish sometimes, God would give me a sign, give me a sign to tell me what I need to do with my life, who I need to see, who my real friends are…

Page 94

: Goodbye:

My book has been binded
The inner lining has been defined
My words are underlined
Bolded and no longer limited
Sublimity is the crime
This is my free-write:

I have edited my story
I have crossed out your name
You have been diminished by my eraser
I am no longer feeling pain

Streams of my affection used to fall from my eyes
The embrace of your words were nothing but a lie
Natural; without cure
I’ve been waiting for an ending

I cannot flip back
I have reached the last page
It’s time for a change
My pages will no longer be influenced by you

This empty space
This recycled paper
This paper you had once used to write “that other girl’ a letter
Don’t you remember?
Of course not
Because I’m obviously “over-reacting”

This book of mine
No longer leads an aromatic pathway
It has been smothered with reality
Suffocated in many ways

Picture this imagery:
I lay in this wilderness of imperfection
My cover is disguised
Yet everyone wants to see
The thread that has entailed my every detail

It is mine-My life!
Not some fabricated story to rave about
Yet these people make it seem as if I am magnetic
And you are pulled in
And you are no better than the rest of them
You are hooked on false realities
And you wouldn’t know real unless it was the name of a drink
Or some girl that you want to do next week

To conclude my thoughts on this last page
I’m throwing it away
The thoughts of you
The feelings you instilled
All summed up on this flimsy sheet of paper
I’m ripping you up in many pieces
You are not recyclable
This will not happen again
Because this is the end.

Page 93-Vanity: Undue pride in oneself

April 2005

There are just some things that you have to do and have to say no matter what the circumstances. I think I have said this before, but I am an extremely stubborn person and if there’s one thing that I have to do, it’s getting my point across. Today he called me and I told him that I can’t be a friend with anyone I couldn’t trust and that I was over him completely. I’m happy that I’m finally past this, but I don’t think I can forgive him for what he has done. It’s weird because I really opened up to him and it just turned out I was just another girl to put on his list. It’s funny how people just lie and they can even swear to God that they didn’t do something, but the entire time their words were just worthless. I wish I had never given him a chance and even more, I wish he never existed because he just made me lose hope even more.

Inspiring my every outlook
Coloring me bland
Fainting the pathway
As the hallway dims
You know longer are there

For these words are not of sorrow
They are of hopeful matters
They are for you

How vain are you
Analyzing my every word
Exploring me inch by inch
Complementing what you have stitched
The seems of hatred

The waiting period

My heart has become so crude
I am ruthless in this world
For you are my muse
I am painting you nude

Copper in tone
The undertone is vanishing
Streaming with tears
Save me from this anxiety

My mood is forever obscure
The pinnacle of pursuit
For this hallway of mine is colliding
And you are now aloof

Page 92-Imprecate: Curse

I never have wished badly on people, but I am an enormous believer in karma. I hope one day he will realizes that he missed out on a wonderful person and that what he had done was wrong.

: Imprecation:

Pouring over my soul
This endless night
The disaster of flights
For there is nothing to run from
I am in a confrontation

Nothing flows
This utter confusion
This so called resemblance
Who is this other person?

I am bent
Like the metal before you
The sun is shaping me
It has formed me

I have been created
Swift like a sword
I am sharp

I have cut you
Your emotions are bleeding before me
I think this is another performance
Now
Do you know why I can’t get over this?

Mind games
No such bliss
I want time
Yet you somehow get me back
It’s a tug a war type of movement
No such peace is ever evident

I’m trying to deal with this ‘real’
Don’t act like I’m some animal on a leash
Don’t lug me around like I’m some type of luggage
Do You Hear me when I speak?

Page 91

: My Plead:

I did nothing to defy you, yet you don’t trust me. How ironically unpleasant?

Your term of friendship has a different meaning; you still try to be with me in other ways, yet you still don’t want anything. I’m trying to get over him, I’m trying so hard to get over this feeling of anger.

“ I didn’t want to try” you had said
There’s nothing to even try for
I still have no closure.
My minds so confused
I still want you
What’s wrong with me?
I shouldn’t want anything
You hurt me.

The other day
Someone told me that women liked pain
I had replied:
What a disturbing thing to say
It’s not the pain that succumbs them to men
Or what reels them in
It is when we let them in
As for I
I am in deep already
And it will be March starting next Tuesday

My journal
My entrees
The lines that keep my words straight
These pages are an expression of what I don’t need

I can’t help how I feel
I try to limit myself
But once I hear your voice
I am drawn in once again
Like fish on bate
And then the after effects kick in

My comfort are these pages
Because of him
I am writing this

I tuned myself out today
I entered another world
And today he told me about the other girls

These girls who took part in our ruin
These people who find me magnetic
I sometimes wonder if he realizes that they all lie
But I have to stop proving myself
I just have to ignore it…again
And again
For pretending has become my second nature
For now I have to act as if I don’t know anything
I have to come into terms finally
That he was with someone else last week
It wasn’t me
And that he lied to me
His own friend told me

I have to separate him from everything
Until he is just a forgotten memory
I need to do this for me
This feeling isn’t healthy

Page 90

My nightmares have started again and I no longer feel safe, I don’t know what’s happening to me, but whatever it is, I wish it would leave.

The way of the world
The ways of the Earth
The universe at a whole
The pieces are completing from underneath me
Or are they breaking completely?

The echoes surround me
I am listening to the sounds of the container I stand in
I am in when everyone else is out
For I see them
I have my doubts
I have created this falsity
It protects me
Leave me be

Such is life
For this life I have been given
The challenge
I have forgiven

Numerous times I count
I lay in the darkness of all night
I count the numerous spectacles in the sky
For I can not keep up
I am knocked down by these numbers
I am brought down by the sounds
The sound of thunder as the rain begins to pour over my soul

I begin to run
Not knowing where I am
Not caring where I fall
I have fallen
I am lying
Laying on this ground that you have made for me
This ground that has protected my skin from chafing

I hear the echoes
They are near
Chasing me down
Making me weak
Yet I am here
I am not devoured by these memories
The memories of this hatred
I am still recovering
And you didn’t help me