Page 97-Transition: Passage from one state, stage, or subject to another

I wonder all the time why things happen and why I feel so much. These letters are my release; they are my beginning and my ending.

: Colors Of Your Skin:
: Skin Deep Four:

Scratches across a windowpane
The smell of the crisp spring rain
For I have become submerged in something I once was afraid of
The usage, the verbage, the adjective now faint
Coming back to you in a different form
I am taking that risk

The crashing of the waves against the sand
The beach seems so surreal
I came back to the place where I left you
The place where we collided into one another
The beginning and the end

The underlying canvas has thinned
Yet there is no faint shade evident
I have now befriended you
Solid and content
And there is nothing more

The sun glaring upon your bare body
Streaming aqua blue
You are still like the lace that has woven my suit
Carefree and aloof

Beige in thought
Plain and dreamlike
For we are now conversing as if no colors were peeled

For there is no accident of us meeting
You have changed your colors
For there is no such green evident
No leading unpleasant
For this is real

Our meeting was not a fluke
The verb of forgiveness was put in use
For this is how I feel:

Laying there without a care
Your profound structure glistening from within
I lay next to you
Admiring the changes in your texture
For it is no longer lined with deception
But splashed with an array of hues
It’s an eclectic tune
Designed by electric blues

Suspended are the colors
The easel no longer
Independently we lay
For the falsity had smudged away by the monsoon rains
Displaced and vanished without trace
And now we are amongst these grains

These same grains that had left my heart chafed
But no longer is that pain reeling inside me
It has drowned in the ocean
Sweeping across the ocean floors
While the suns rays are shadowing us in

But I am no longer the same
For this is what I feel:

My thoughts have been charcoaled in
I am experiencing the sin of the season
The colors of treason

The puddles of my blood are along the sand
For I am burdening myself ill
My canvas has been covered by dominant hues: The shade of maroon

I have been stained
All I can do is wait
Time is what I need
I need a filter for the time being

Black: The only color to describe what I am feeling
For the night has cast a shade on my paintings
As you lay here beside me
Holding me
Helping me
For now we are reconciling something that was once lost: A friendship

We have switched the roles
For you are no longer in need
As for I
This shadow of lust had tainted me green



Speechless I am
Twisted with my lace
I am suffocating
No longer breathing hope
For this is the end
My entry has been closed out and filled in

For this story was about us
And now I am writing about another
Expressing my feelings with hatred
And you’re comforting me
After you had once hurt me
For you will always be chapter three

Under the night sky
Talking over the wires that we control
I lay my head to rest
As my feet are buried underneath
I have come into terms with this reality
No one is meant for me

Twisted are our emotions
Memories in the making
For life is ever changing
As we are breathing the air that we are given
This was no accident
It was just another life lesson: A Transition Through Time

Page 96-Foreshadowing: Hint or suggest beforehand

As if I want to live a miserable life, do I? I think not, I feel like there is so much pressure on me, I feel like no one understands me anymore. I want to explore this world to the depths of the ocean, to the highest utmost point; I want to look at every star in the skies above. I want to love without shame, I want to love without pain, and I want to give without losing so much, so much of myself. I feel like I’m alone, I feel like God has abandoned me for some times to discover him again, and again. I don’t know why God would be doing this and I don’t know why I would be feeling this, but I feel it and I wish I didn’t. I consider myself religious; I just wish I felt loved. It’s funny and quite sad how much pain I have experienced in such a short period of time. I no longer feel sorry for myself, but I feel stronger knowing that I’m not going to let it happen again, never again. I love life, I really do, but I think what I love about it is what I can give to others. I think by me giving others hope and happiness, it makes me love life even more. I felt last week my world was crashing down, I figured out what I want to do in my life. I feel like spending the night under the stars. I want to just think and gaze forever. I remember when I was little I used to wish so hard on the stars thinking that it was God up there. It’s funny now because I still wish so hard and I still think God is up there. I know things happen for a reason, I know one is supposed to learn from there own mistakes, but I hope that I don’t make any more mistakes. I don’t want to be in a relationship because it hurts. I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to love and lose any more. I may sound like I’m going far out on this, but I’m more serious than ever. I’m officially broken and repairing myself everyday. I wish sometimes, God would give me a sign, give me a sign to tell me what I need to do with my life, who I need to see, who my real friends are…

Page 94

: Goodbye:

My book has been binded
The inner lining has been defined
My words are underlined
Bolded and no longer limited
Sublimity is the crime
This is my free-write:

I have edited my story
I have crossed out your name
You have been diminished by my eraser
I am no longer feeling pain

Streams of my affection used to fall from my eyes
The embrace of your words were nothing but a lie
Natural; without cure
I’ve been waiting for an ending

I cannot flip back
I have reached the last page
It’s time for a change
My pages will no longer be influenced by you

This empty space
This recycled paper
This paper you had once used to write “that other girl’ a letter
Don’t you remember?
Of course not
Because I’m obviously “over-reacting”

This book of mine
No longer leads an aromatic pathway
It has been smothered with reality
Suffocated in many ways

Picture this imagery:
I lay in this wilderness of imperfection
My cover is disguised
Yet everyone wants to see
The thread that has entailed my every detail

It is mine-My life!
Not some fabricated story to rave about
Yet these people make it seem as if I am magnetic
And you are pulled in
And you are no better than the rest of them
You are hooked on false realities
And you wouldn’t know real unless it was the name of a drink
Or some girl that you want to do next week

To conclude my thoughts on this last page
I’m throwing it away
The thoughts of you
The feelings you instilled
All summed up on this flimsy sheet of paper
I’m ripping you up in many pieces
You are not recyclable
This will not happen again
Because this is the end.

Page 93-Vanity: Undue pride in oneself

April 2005

There are just some things that you have to do and have to say no matter what the circumstances. I think I have said this before, but I am an extremely stubborn person and if there’s one thing that I have to do, it’s getting my point across. Today he called me and I told him that I can’t be a friend with anyone I couldn’t trust and that I was over him completely. I’m happy that I’m finally past this, but I don’t think I can forgive him for what he has done. It’s weird because I really opened up to him and it just turned out I was just another girl to put on his list. It’s funny how people just lie and they can even swear to God that they didn’t do something, but the entire time their words were just worthless. I wish I had never given him a chance and even more, I wish he never existed because he just made me lose hope even more.

Inspiring my every outlook
Coloring me bland
Fainting the pathway
As the hallway dims
You know longer are there

For these words are not of sorrow
They are of hopeful matters
They are for you

How vain are you
Analyzing my every word
Exploring me inch by inch
Complementing what you have stitched
The seems of hatred

The waiting period

My heart has become so crude
I am ruthless in this world
For you are my muse
I am painting you nude

Copper in tone
The undertone is vanishing
Streaming with tears
Save me from this anxiety

My mood is forever obscure
The pinnacle of pursuit
For this hallway of mine is colliding
And you are now aloof

Page 92-Imprecate: Curse

I never have wished badly on people, but I am an enormous believer in karma. I hope one day he will realizes that he missed out on a wonderful person and that what he had done was wrong.

: Imprecation:

Pouring over my soul
This endless night
The disaster of flights
For there is nothing to run from
I am in a confrontation

Nothing flows
This utter confusion
This so called resemblance
Who is this other person?

I am bent
Like the metal before you
The sun is shaping me
It has formed me

I have been created
Swift like a sword
I am sharp

I have cut you
Your emotions are bleeding before me
I think this is another performance
Now
Do you know why I can’t get over this?

Mind games
No such bliss
I want time
Yet you somehow get me back
It’s a tug a war type of movement
No such peace is ever evident

I’m trying to deal with this ‘real’
Don’t act like I’m some animal on a leash
Don’t lug me around like I’m some type of luggage
Do You Hear me when I speak?

Page 91

: My Plead:

I did nothing to defy you, yet you don’t trust me. How ironically unpleasant?

Your term of friendship has a different meaning; you still try to be with me in other ways, yet you still don’t want anything. I’m trying to get over him, I’m trying so hard to get over this feeling of anger.

“ I didn’t want to try” you had said
There’s nothing to even try for
I still have no closure.
My minds so confused
I still want you
What’s wrong with me?
I shouldn’t want anything
You hurt me.

The other day
Someone told me that women liked pain
I had replied:
What a disturbing thing to say
It’s not the pain that succumbs them to men
Or what reels them in
It is when we let them in
As for I
I am in deep already
And it will be March starting next Tuesday

My journal
My entrees
The lines that keep my words straight
These pages are an expression of what I don’t need

I can’t help how I feel
I try to limit myself
But once I hear your voice
I am drawn in once again
Like fish on bate
And then the after effects kick in

My comfort are these pages
Because of him
I am writing this

I tuned myself out today
I entered another world
And today he told me about the other girls

These girls who took part in our ruin
These people who find me magnetic
I sometimes wonder if he realizes that they all lie
But I have to stop proving myself
I just have to ignore it…again
And again
For pretending has become my second nature
For now I have to act as if I don’t know anything
I have to come into terms finally
That he was with someone else last week
It wasn’t me
And that he lied to me
His own friend told me

I have to separate him from everything
Until he is just a forgotten memory
I need to do this for me
This feeling isn’t healthy

Page 90

My nightmares have started again and I no longer feel safe, I don’t know what’s happening to me, but whatever it is, I wish it would leave.

The way of the world
The ways of the Earth
The universe at a whole
The pieces are completing from underneath me
Or are they breaking completely?

The echoes surround me
I am listening to the sounds of the container I stand in
I am in when everyone else is out
For I see them
I have my doubts
I have created this falsity
It protects me
Leave me be

Such is life
For this life I have been given
The challenge
I have forgiven

Numerous times I count
I lay in the darkness of all night
I count the numerous spectacles in the sky
For I can not keep up
I am knocked down by these numbers
I am brought down by the sounds
The sound of thunder as the rain begins to pour over my soul

I begin to run
Not knowing where I am
Not caring where I fall
I have fallen
I am lying
Laying on this ground that you have made for me
This ground that has protected my skin from chafing

I hear the echoes
They are near
Chasing me down
Making me weak
Yet I am here
I am not devoured by these memories
The memories of this hatred
I am still recovering
And you didn’t help me

Page 89-Betrayal: Prove unfaithful to

The challenge of forgetting is much harder then the statement of just saying, “Get over it.” I know everything takes time and I definitely know that I am solely dependent on that noun. It seems like everything reminds me of him, every song somehow manages to tie in how we were, are, and will never be. Today I threw away the yellow flowers he had once bought me; just like he threw everything we ever were in one phone call.

: Thrown:

The color yellow
No happiness to exemplify it
Unsatisfied
For my past memories are at hand

I warned you
Yet I still got the blame
And now I have the flowers you gave

The leaves crumble on my countertop
Just like we had once crumbled into one another
But that’s just something that happened
Nothing seemed meaningful to you
I was just a convenience that you used

This is the end of my trying
The end of every hopeful possibility
For I did not even tread on the sand you brought me
Yet you have still managed to burn me

This is the end of our story.

Page 88-Overcome: Defeat

I really feel that God looks after me in many ways and he warns me through my own writing. I wrote this poem before I had discovered that he was just using me, it’s scary to read it now because this is exactly how he has made me feel. It’s like I knew this was coming, but didn’t want to see it. How could I of thought I could actually be happy with someone, who was I kidding? The day before Valentines Day, one phone call saying, “we should just be friends” has caused me so many tears and has obviously made him content. I can’t concentrate on anything, I can’t eat, I just write, it’s a constant flow, just like the rain outside.

Executing my soul
Shooting off in a retrograde motion
I have regained my sight

My heart, frozen through time
No numbing needed
For there’s no longer blood to revive me
I am drained, fully

I have not been able to heal myself
The tunes of the violins drown my voice
I am in the wrong
But who can say I am not
When I no longer trust anyone?

The cords play when I sleep
I fall deep as the sharp pains stab into my sides
The sounds are no longer soothing

My motion: Restless
The constellations of the celestial sphere become apart of me
They are my blankets

For I no longer am reaching
I am covered with these scars
No surgery to cover them
They are infected by hatred
And I am infected with regret

Looked upon by a telescope
I was the target of destruction
I was destroyed and forgotten
And now this artificial device has executed my soul
As the rain distorts my image
The rain falls into the night

For this is the story
Protracting with the astronomical instruments that have been given
The moon arises
This is my demise

My heart, lifeless
Yet I am breathing into the night
Surrounding myself with the colors of the rain

The dominant color was red
For that is the color my heart needed
The color represents the oxygen my lungs had bled
I have no love to revive me
This day is just a lie to me
Happy Valentines Day

Page 87-Collision: Strike together

This month of temporary happiness has come to an end; it turns out my reasons for caution was correct. I can’t believe this is happening to me, I feel like throwing the sand he had brought from the beach all over him. I don’t feel like going into a long explanation of all the events that took place last night, but bottom line is that he said things that he shouldn’t have said.

: One Month:

The sand that you brought me
Running through my fingers
Nothing but grains
Leaving my hands
The imprint
Taint

Dry and confused
The outcome was this adjective and verb fused

I doubted due to my past experiences
But we still tried

Captivated and forlorn with desire
Spite and regret
Your actions have caused a memory of regret
Intoxicated with fear
I’ve been taken apart
Piece by piece

I can’t believe that this is destined for me, but again I knew this was coming, I felt it through my veins, I heard it through the walls, I heard your whispers.

Such is life
For this is the life I have been given
The challenge: To forget

The sand you had brought me
I have thrown it away
All the grains
All the memories
Everything about you is now slowly leaving me
I can’t wait until you are just a distant memory

Page 86

February 2005

Something happened. I started crying without stopping. There’s nothing to clog my eyes from tearing. My heart hurts and I can’t help but to feel used and helpless all because of what he had said, what I hear, and how he made me feel. I don’t even know how to start this entry, but bottom line is that he completely degraded me publicly.

Captivated and forlorn with desire
Spite and regret
Your actions have caused a memory of regret
Intoxicated with fear
I’ve been taken apart
Piece by piece

I can’t believe that this is destined for me, but then again I knew this was coming, I felt it through my veins, I hear it through the walls, and I hear him. I feel so sad and I can’t even write anymore.

Page 85

February 2005

The way of the world
The ways of the Earth
The universe at a whole
The pieces are completing from underneath me
Or are they breaking completely?

I have been listening to the song that basically can sum up my life over and over again-Save Yourself by Sense Field. I recently have been experiencing a sadness, which has affected my health to the ends, to the depths of solitude that has literally affected the way I have been interacting with certain people. I am waiting for my break, my sense of relief from this pain. Anyhow, I am writing because this is the way I work, this is the way I am. For I am starting to think that I am becoming numb again. I feel so oblivious and my flashbacks are coming back. The darkness is taking over my mind and I am trying to pull away constantly. I just need some kind of recognition, for I am not happy, I am not satisfied with the way things are going. I have no sense of accomplishment in my life; my life is an ongoing waiting period where I am constantly waiting all the time. When will I ever win? When will I ever be in control? Here is my free write as I replay this song:

Save Yourself:

The echoes surround me
I am listening to the sounds of the container I stand in
I am in when everyone else is out
For I see them
I have my doubts
I have created this falsity
It somehow protects me
Leave me be

Such is life
For this is the life I have been given
The challenge
I have forgiven

Numerous times I count
I lay in the darkness of all night
I count the numerous spectacles in the sky
For I can not keep up
I am knocked down by these numbers
I am brought down by the sounds
The sounds of thunder as the rain begins to pour over my soul

I begin to run
Not knowing where I am
Not caring where I fall
I have fallen
I am lying
Lying on the ground you have made for me
This ground that has protected my skin from chafing

I hear the echoes
They are near
Chasing me down
Making me weak
I am not devoured by these memories
The memories of this hatred
I am still recovering

Page 84

February 2005

I don’t know how I feel anymore. I don’t know why I feel so confused lately, I think it’s because of my past effecting me again, I just don’t know. My emotions are tied with the black string that has strangled my emotions to demise. Sadly I am admitting it, that I am torn with resent, but there haven’t been any nightmares of him to forewarn me. I don’t know if I should talk to him about how I feel though. Lately things have been really different. I just feel really blah around him; nothing special and I guess I don’t like that feeling because you know who used to make me feel that way. It hurts and I feel like crying right now just thinking about it. Its sad because its so minor and miniscule, but I guess I just never felt appreciated. The things he says now are causing me to think he’s really not what he had portrayed himself to be in the beginning. I’m really scared right now and I just don’t like feeling this way, I don’t know what to do.

Page 83

January 2005

I thought I was one without feeling, concern, heart, and all that could cause hurt to me, but apparently, I am melting. I am left scared, concerned, and hazed with memories. Regardless, I still feel I have some control, I guess I am testing it out as twisted as that sounds. The truth of the matter is that I don’t know this time, I can’t predict, because for the first time I actually feel good. I don’t know what to write and in a way I don’t feel like even typing today. He’s coming over soon and I can’t wait to see him.

Page 82

January 2005

He left to go out of town. I had another panic attack, this time I ended up taking out my aggravation with the alcohol my friend had left over the other night. It’s not like I don’t know the problem won’t go away when I wake up the next day. It’s the few hours of not remembering what happened is my main purpose behind this intoxicated feeling. I called him up when I was completely out of it, but I told him I missed him and all the things people usually say when you care about them. I find myself thinking how all this came together, but I try not to think about it too much, because things are actually going pretty well. I wish I could talk to him about what I am going through, but then again, I don’t trust him completely yet. I wrote this that night while I was intoxicated; don’t ask me how, but somehow I managed to do it.

Transcend:

I believe I will never change, for I have become who I always have wanted to become. Now I look back and I think that the discipline of errors have marked a lining across my heart and stirred my mind into what it has developed into currently. For a mind is more powerful than a heart, regardless of what anyone may say. This is one of my many analytical theories, for this is what the world can read, absorb, mold and feel. These are not only letters, these are the letters stained with what we need to live, for they are stained with the blood that runs through your body.

Page 81

January 20, 2005

I feel as though my organs are vanishing from underneath my skin, my body, my molding. I don’t know, but the saying “when it rains, it pours: is extremely true. I guess everything is just hitting me hard today. I wish I felt normal, but I don’t even know what normality feels like since I don’t think I ever held this characteristic. I think I will just lay down tonight and cry, basically let it all out and feel sorry for myself. I don’t even know if any tears will fall because I have become so numb to so many things. I know I should be counting my blessings, but it is so hard when you feel raped, literally raped from any type of “real” pleasure you have ever experienced. The worst feeling is when you discover that basically everything is a lie. I’m glad that I finally have someone who actually cares about me. I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, but I can’t help it, I blame it on the post traumatic stress disorder. Anyway, I need to lie down and soak my comforter with my pain.

Page 80

January 2005

The trends of time have relapsed into the diamonds of this century. For who wouldn’t want something so precious, yet so deceiving all at the same time. The looks have blinded us into making the wrong decision, a decision not worth making. For when we look over things, we make mistakes and when we make mistakes, we fall. For falling for some is not a bad thing, you learn, but when I fall, I bruise, I break, and I am the only one who and pick myself up. I have made the decision, but I feel I can control it, for it is the life I have been given. Numerous times I have said this, but I know that this rare gem is not in disguise. For no longer is this feeling devouring my being. I have a sense of guiltiness inside, just because I never thought I would ever give someone another chance. My number was going to be one, but things changed and they changed for the worst. I am ashamed, but in a way, I am learning to get over things myself, to deal with things and not expect anything pleasurable to my soul. As harsh as all this may sound, it is correct.

Page 79

January 2005

It’s everywhere, this feeling of guilt on my sheets, in the bathroom, tainted in my living room, I feel guilty, I really do. I really don’t want to conduct myself in this manner, but it makes me feel wanted. I know this can’t keep on occurring like this because there’s no stable background yet. There’s nothing, I keep on trying to remind myself that we are nothing, we have no name to hold anything together. I know it happened to soon, but the feeling of depression and memories had fogged up my mind. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t think I want to. I’m so disappointed in myself right now.

Page 78

January 2005

I had the worst night last night. I can’t even concentrate and my appetite is just driving me crazy, I’m not hungry, but I know I need to eat or I’ll pass out like I did last week. I tried writing today, but I couldn’t even formulate a rhyme whatsoever. I think I have lost my talent, I tried writing today, but all I came ended up writing was this:

My hands gliding over my eyes, enveloping the cloak of time as I lay here relentlessly abiding to this life. This place is the surrounding of displeasure, in other words, the natural revelations of youth. The trials and tribulations we have faced are not to be of blame to anyone, but us. For when there is force, it is not our fault, it is someone else's, the one who has done such damage. The damage of another is sinful, yet others can place blame easily on one for shutting the eyes of the wholesome. We are all guilty of misguidance, for no one is perfect. Imperfection will run this earth as we will run one another to complete oblivion; yet finding peace is what one's goal should be. For there are many goals as for people. We are amongst everyone watching and observing with mental notes and angles and the conclusion will always be in a question of "why": Why is this happening?

Page 77

January 2005

Again and again I find myself doing something I wish I didn’t, but this time, I don’t wish I didn’t do it, instead I wish I knew what was happening to me. I can hardly write, my hands are shaking, and I have no explanations, just a deep gut wrenching feeling my heart seldom experiences. I broke down in front of him for the first time today and I had no control over my tears. For the first time I let someone see what lied under my tough exterior and sadly, I showed him my weakness. I can’t remember the last time I had ever felt that vulnerable, it was so scary and I hope I never feel like that again. He left my house just a little while ago and I know I need to sleep right now, but I don’t feel like sleeping. I wish things went differently tonight, but I’m glad I finally found someone to talk to, someone that’s nice, and I hope that this lasts long because I don’t need anyone that’s not going to stick around.

Page 76

January 2005

He’s on his way to my house and I’m not feeling too well. I hope I don’t break down crying or anything because that definitely would not be good. I think I have made myself ill by thinking about these stupid incidents regarding my past and my nightmares from yesterday. Anyway, I think I need to lie down and just rest before he gets here.

Page 75

January 2005

I don’t feel like writing in my journal about this with my handwriting because I will make myself even sicker than I already feel, I don’t see the purpose of these dreams and these panic attacks, I really don’t. I am so sad now and I wish I could never sleep again. I can’t mess up things this year; I’ve already let it take control of me for this long. I’ve been carrying this burden for two years now and I don’t understand why this is all happening again. What is my purpose? What is the reason behind all this chaos that I have to deal with at such a serene and fragile state? I can’t let myself slip again.

Page 74

January 10, 2005

The motion of sorrow rushes over my body this morning. It is only 9:55 AM and I don’t even know where to begin. I had a nightmare last night and it has caused this emotion to arise. My stomach feels twisted and my mind feels tangled with thoughts that I am trying to restrain from thinking about. My heart hurts and the only the only thing that I can say is that whenever I attempt to get close to someone, these nightmares stop me and I am scared. I think the worst part of all, is that I keep this inside of me. I try to cry, but I have become number to this feeling of sorrow for myself. Does this mean that I will be taken advantage of again? I need to stay away, don’t I? My nightmare was so strange; I don’t recall all the parts. All I remember is that I felt used, I was crying, this guy had damaged my hands and they were scared, red, bruised throughout. I tried running away from him and I kept saying, “ Was this some kind of bet to have your way with me?” I guess I dream about what I’m insecure about and maybe it’s not what is actually going on in my life at this current time. I believe my dreams have three main purposes, one is to warn me, two, Is to show me what I am scared of, and three, to interpret. I just don’t want to be used like I have been in the past and I guess that’s what ends up hitting me the hardest. This has definitely ruined my morning and will probably be the cause of a bad day. I was supposed to start all over this year! Why me?

Page 73

January 9, 2005

I don’t even know if this makes sense, but it makes sense to me and it came to me before I went to sleep:

I have come up with the conclusion that things can definitely change for the “I” that metamorphosis into “me”. “I” as in something other than “me” someone other than “myself” of course. Anyway, as I was saying, my theory: It is not only intricate, but it has made “me” who “I” am for when I try to erase it numerous times it comes back through the letters, it seeps through the ink, absorbing itself to what it might be laying on. For the letters are apart of “me” they become the “I” figuratively speaking, which eventually I find myself through the words of wisdom “I” gain by reading what “I” have written and forgetting who “I” was, Someone far from “myself”.

Page 72-Fresh: Invigorating

I’m beginning something new, I feel like such a beginner, but I’m still trying to make things feel normal. I find myself in a complete daze sometimes because I can’t believe I’m actually giving someone a decent chance with me again. He’s not the most appealing guy looks wise, but he’s nice. I told him about my past and how I feared that someone would just leave when things got hard and he really seemed to understand and show compassion. I’m so unbelievably scared though because nothing great ever happens to me, so I guess I’m waiting till things collapse, but I hope it lasts long.

: Distraught:

I no longer am where I started
I have felt something
The feeling: departed

I am from another country
I am foreign to this land
For nothing is mine

I have given you everything
I have lost myself in your eyes
This unfamiliar feeling
For I do not know anything
I am unable to define

As I crumble into your skin
I am left feeling ill
Letting myself slip
For I have soaked into you
Every night
My soul is lost one more time

Awaking to a new day
Laying beside you
This feeling of disarray
I am still isolated and incomplete
For nothing can heal me

This is the beginning of something great
Yet I am still counting until this will depreciate

Page 71

I have met someone
I know what you’re thinking “again?”
I thought it would be different this time
But of course I was proven wrong
And now we are no more

I feel different though
I feel lost
There was a lack of trust
But everything was misunderstood
And now everything is lost

Maybe we should of tried
But we both gave up
And it was only for a month

Chapter Seven

Well, that guy that I had met with my girlfriends ended up contacting me and basically to get to the point, we started dating soon afterwards. Although he seemed dull and oblivious to things, I still tried to give him a chance, but I soon found out later that it was a wrong chance to take. Some people think it’s amusing to use people, I think it’s plain out cruel. Throughout out entire dating experience, I eventually came to know that it was completely meaningless to him, after all, I was just another number to add on to his list of girls. Life has taught me a valuable lesson however I choose to look at it. To regret a certain part or person in your life is a very big deal and honestly, I wish I never knew he existed, because all we ever were, was a lie. At the end of everything, whenever he would enter my mind, I would just remind myself that I was fine before him and I will be fine after him. I remember the last thing he had told me; he said “I guess if this is how we are going to end then good-bye”. Overall, it was hard to write a lot because we were always together and my poetry didn’t flow like it had before. It’s crazy how when people come into your life, you find yourself getting side tracked from what you love to do the most. I wrote a lot after we ended and a little during, but my last chapter is of him, my second regret. Throughout my confusing state, I managed to write mainly free writes with a combination of poetry to create this last chapter of deception.

Page 70

I surrender to the heavens above. I pray to all the Gods and Lords that are existent in this world and the worlds that I may not know of. I ask to whomever may be reading this, to whoever can help me, I ask for people to just let me be if there intentions are solely based on jealousy and conspiracy towards me. I feel as though my emotions are like a light switch because sometimes I can be so on top of things and then, BAM, the pain hits out of nowhere. I slept horrible last night, I woke up shaking at three in the morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the fear of the images taking over my mind again. I definitely can’t wait to wake up tomorrow morning and making things different from the way things are going now. See how much better I am getting? At least I want to wake up in the morning now.

: The Reverse:
: Surrender:

Misery completes me
A whole I am not
A broken piece from the start
For Misery has torn me apart

Dispersing like rainfall
Natural is the weather
Drowning me
Soaking me in pain
Therefore I am drenched

My eyelids
Heavier and Heavier
Closing tightly
Another day about to expire
My story will never end

No longer trembling
The feelings of warmth have overtaken me
Things such as this have blinded me

Before I sleep
Confusion is seeping all over me
Distorting my peace
And ruining everything

I give up
I surrender
I just pray that I wake
Because I’m slipping away

The morning abides me
My body awakes
As I start a new day

Page 69

I don’t know how to explain it, but I think God pieced together my heart last night while I was asleep. I feel, as though this is my first day on Earth, I know that sounds really strange, but what can I say? I’m a pretty strange person. Everything looks so beautiful to me and I don’t know how to explain this euphoric feeling I am experiencing. I went out last night with a few of my girl friends and I met this guy, but I don’t know if it’s anything that great or not. The weird part about this guy is that I actually met him three years back at a party, but he had a girlfriend and I was dating someone else at that time. It’s hard to have good judgment when it comes to people you are trying to get to know, but I guess you can only truly know someone as time progresses. Anyway, I doubt anything is going to happen, he’s kind of, how do I say it, dull and oblivious to things from an outside perspective. Oh, guess what? Today is the first day of Christmas break! That means I have to work full time and go nowhere again for the second year in a row now.

: Division:

Tunnel vision
The simplicity of division
Hidden with comprehension
Foreseeing the sections
The section of being: To follow a teaching

Steady paces
My safeties on
I am walking without doubt
Treading slowly
The feeling: reassuring

Tunnel vision
A narrow opening before me
My eyes struggling to see
Nothing is leading me
There’s no control
Something has taken over me: The absence of memory

Broken Leaves
Falling before me
The season has changed
Fall has prevailed
Given up
Surrendered in a way
And washed away by the winter rain

Dissolved are the leaves
A clean slate before me
The action of being
Pieced together to simplicity

Tunnel vision
A journey through: Metamorphic division

Page 68

I woke up this morning and I was just lying down on my bed for about thirty minutes just admitting the glow in the dark stars that were no longer glowing. My eyes wondered to my journal and pen near my bedside table and I began to write after I had admired a giant fern tree right outside my bedroom window. I love writing when I first wake up in the morning; it gives me a sense of direction to start off my day. Although I still feel lost sometimes, I’m trying to find what makes me happy now. I never have thought of myself as being a selfish person, but sometimes one needs to be to achieve happiness. I’m going to patch up all my tears and sow it with my thread of progression. Today I am going to the art museum to check out the new exhibitions because that always makes me happy. There’s just something about an art museum that just sparks up my imagination.

: Usage:

The roots from within
Taking over
Covering one's skin
The protection: Thin

Repeated constant motions
Intertwined by lining
Burning through my life
The ultimate designing

No directions
No sign
The feeling of drowsiness abides

Defeating time
Interiorly evolving
Retrospectively solving: Life

Inquiring what has happened
Feelings that have lasted
The powers we withhold
The lining: laced with gold

Strange occurrences
Searching for what is destined
For what have we become?
A convenience in use

The lining: thin
Tearing away day by day
No longer a covering over my skin

I’m tainted
The protection: no more
The feeling: Used
My efforts are useless
For there’s nothing I can do

Page 67

I have been struck by lightening and the currents have overtaken my mind, body, and soul. I have confessed to the people who have taken care of me their entire lives, I told my parents today about my secret. I don’t really want to write about it for very long because they ended up blaming me and telling me how they have always told me to never to trust men and I shouldn’t of put myself in that situation. I was so angry because it took me so long to actually get it out of my head that it wasn’t my fault in the first place and now they are making things worse. I know they love me, I didn’t mean to make them cry, but they have to understand that I didn’t ask for this. I just tried to be a good person and give him a chance for at least a friendship and the entire situation turned on me in just one night. I’ve learned my lesson, but just because this happened to me, it doesn’t make me irresponsible, why can’t they see that?

: The Word Is Out:
: My Confession:

My eyes were cut
I do not know how
For I do not remember
I think I forgot how

So much confusion
So much pain
For my hands are bleeding
And my brain cannot retain

There are too many things wrong
It’s not my imagination
For I think I lost even that
I believe I’m hallucinating

I reach out for your hand
The only hand I feel I need
But you seem so far away
For when I reach for it
I’m too late

You went away
You left me in pain
With all my cuts and bruises
You left me in pieces
How can you think I can choose this?
You think I asked for this?
Is this the freedom I thought I deserved?
I think your thoughts are absurd

My mind is running in circles
It’s tired, worried, and confused
Why can’t you just support me?
Instead of causing me to be more bruised



Heal me from this disaster
Rejuvenate my mind
Love me fully
Is it too hard for you to be understanding and kind?

I’m sorry for all that’s happened
I’m sorry for all this pain
But help my eyes to see
The love I have to gain
For I know that it’s existent
But apart of me is scared
And I can’t help how I feel
Because I’ve had this heartache to bare

I’m only one person
I’m only one soul
I have so much to live for
I have so many goals
Don’t blame me for what’s happened
Just accept me for what I am now
Because things could be far more worse
If I had let things turn for the worst
Because don’t think it almost didn’t happen
Because it almost did
But I believed in myself
And I didn’t allow myself to slip

I’m sick of shedding tears
I’m tired of all my pain
Please put a stop to your tormenting words
And be the support I need to gain

I only want to progress in life
So have a little faith
I’m telling you because I care
With an emotion that is taint

I feel as though my emotions are vanishing
Every passing day
And this is why it’s important to tell you
Because this is what’s causing my mind to stray

I can only pray that you will understand
And the rest is up to you
So be the help that I need
And don’t yell at me

Page 66-Bearing: Way of carrying oneself

I went to be early last night and I woke up in the middle of the night with another panic attack. Although my sleep has been far from perfect, but the nightmares have been less frequent. I know that I will always have these problems; my only fear is to lose someone I really like because he is scared off by the problems I face. I wish this sunny weather could bring a smile on my face, but I guess even the sun can’t win me over today.

: My Reoccurring Nightmares:

Another one
I do not know where they arise
They enter through my mind
From the evils which abide

I am peaceful
Yet they harm me
I am alarmed
I am a distorted image

Do not look at me
You will perceive another meaning
I am not who I thought I could be
What is happening to me?

Look what they do
They hurt me thoroughly
I feel demeaning
Nor a soul can help me

I wake with an emotion
Flowing from within
I can’t stop these images
Corruption
For no one deserves this
How do I?

My colours have turned dim
Apart of me
Brushed away

My canvas has been shaded in
I’m in hiding today
Putting on another face
Wiping my emotions away

Page 65-Tangible: Able to be touched

I can’t believe this feeling is real. I actually feel hopeful today, which is always a good change from experiencing misery. I spoke to my parents this afternoon and I just sensed their love for one another over the telephone and it was so beautiful. I began to write and sketch in my notebook while I was listening to them both. They make me feel so hopeful sometimes about finding someone special, but then again, I don’t try to take it too much to the heart because hope just leads to severe anxiety sooner or later. Regardless of the case, my heart is going to continue beating unless I somehow pass away.

: Vitality:

Through my body lies a path
A path of an existence to be
To be here is to be anywhere

For where would I be if I were displaced?
As the blood rushes through my head
I am soaked with dread

The rain
It’s as hard as the passing days
My mind: out of control
Or is it my heart?

I can no longer tame what I thought I possessed
For what is mine is now yours
For you soaked into my skin
We are one

As for hope
It is pouring into my skin
Almost drowning me everyday
I do not even know
I cannot even explain
The blood is rushing to my head
My heart: sustained

Page 64

Writing through my pain

I write to gain nothing; I write to see my feelings portrayed in black letters that are appeared on white plain paper. Sometimes I do not even know what I write about, for the contents consume my mind, my being, my thoughts, for what is it to write? I am possessed; I become another person, a person I don’t know, and a person with so much intent.

Writing through my pain

I am evolving here on this Earth, yet I am unable to find a companion. I am young, so very young. Physically, I am young, but mentally I am aging every hour that each day possesses. I have been taken for granted; therefore my hope has vanished. Yes, vanished from my being, vanished from my entire being. Writing how my hope has left me, writing how I can no longer hope. For this word is more suitable to others than myself. I write about this each day. I cannot help but feel this hopelessness, this feeling brings me pain, and therefore I write it on a blank page to relieve this suffering.

Writing through my pain

The night comes. I can’t control the dark or there would only be light for me to see. The darkness controls me, instills fear in me. I see him; I even hesitate to blink my eyes. I don’t choose to think about him, I don’t want to remember anything, I want to erase him forever, but can I? No and this is why. He took a part of me and I was unwilling. He shattered me in pieces and stole my body. Raped me internally, externally, controlling me with mind games, and this is how he broke me. I feel this every night, these feelings of someone watching me, someone waiting to attack me. I am walking, walking in the night; I start to run, afraid of falling as I make way up the stairs, fearing that I will drop my keys when someone is chasing me. Is someone chasing me? Hiding in my home? Is someone ready to attack me again? I have been robbed, unwillingly opened, why me? These are my thoughts every night, now do you see why it’s so hard for me to sleep?

Writing through my pain

I am a seed. The seed of existence, the seed of something beautiful, the seed that has been unappreciated, yet nurtured by some individuals. I am strong for overcoming what I have and stronger for knowing it. I live in fear, but I relieve it by writing it away. I write through my pain. This blank ink is merely the ashes of my existence, the ashes of what pain is. I do not fear death; for I feel that death is chasing me every time the sun sets. I used to find pleasure in the beauty of the starts, I still do, but it’s not the same anymore. For how can I admire being outside, if my thoughts are so compelling that I even fear the night? I write, I write like there’s no tomorrow, for this is all I have to live for. When I was younger I believed the stars were so holy, I still do in many ways, but It’s not the same, nothing is the same. I wonder if my pain will ever disappear and if it does, will I still be able to write this way? I am young, hopeless and no longer want a companion to erase my pain away because the only person who can do that is myself.

Page 63-Fraction: Portion

Not everyone possesses the quality of understanding and patience. I have been feeling a little lost today; I blame it on my lack of sleep. I feel as though my attempts of conquering the night has been slowly progressing, but overcoming my vulnerability to darkness might take a few years. I wish I wasn’t so nice all the time, I say this because I was just thinking if I had been more firm, then I wouldn’t be in this predicament right now, I wouldn’t of been used and I probably would be happy.

: Comprehending In Silence:

I am walking
No single sound can be heard

My footsteps are silent
Not even mine can be heard

I don’t know where I am going
I don’t know where I am
I am walking in the night
Not one single sole is in sight

I am strong in the night
Walking for miles
I am camouflaged by the dark
It’s the only sanctuary I have come to know
It’s the only light that my eyes can see

I am walking alone
My heart is beating fast
I can’t turn back
My will won’t allow it
For it’s too late
I have to last

The wall is being built
Day by day it’s getting higher
Not even the tallest man can see past my empire

Solid as a rock
Spectacular looking
It’s like a diamond in the rough
And my heart is the coal

I am disguised in the day
And I unmasked at night
So vulnerable I lay
For that’s why I chose to be out of site



Thoughts enter my head
Bad thoughts of the past
I had been thrown into a fire and had been put to the torch
But I saved myself
No one saved me
No one was there
They just watched me
Observing
Not knowing what was happening to me

For how can I explain the feelings I have gone through?
People say they care, but they care so little
For they have not felt the ounce of pain I still go through
They just hear my words through a telephone wire
And know that I am crying while they want my tears to expire

My tears are merely water
And they are miles away
They don’t even understand
And they will never with each passing day

But don’t they see they don’t have to go through it
I wouldn’t want them to anyway
That’s why their needs to be support
Can you not understand that?
Is that too hard to comprehend?
Do I need to spell everything out?
I don’t want to pretend
I need someone who knows
Yet I don’t need anybody
No one needs to see my diamond
Let people think I’m just in the rough
For then I wont have to worry
For everyone will think I’m cold
And how I’m unsocial
But it’s the truth in a way
For they have lead me to be this way
People

If I wasn’t this way
This wouldn’t have happened today
For today will lead into tomorrow
And tomorrow isn’t my new day
For I still have to overcome so many things
And overcome my sorrows with my pain
And wait for another tomorrow that will take this pain away

Page 62-Nurture: Care for

Today I woke up and prayed, yes, I said it, I prayed. I prayed and thanked God for everything he has given me. I called my father and mother and told them that I loved them and I was sorry for pushing them away from me. I walked from my car to my apartment in the dark, I was kind of scared, but I did it and nothing happened to me. I realized that sometimes you can’t be nice to people all the time. I’m not saying I’m not going to be nice anymore, but I’m definitely going to be more cautious from now on. I bought a canvas and some paint today from the art store near campus and I started to transform my poetry into abstract images. I have never been that great at painting, but I guess I feel the same way about my writing.

: No Limitations:

I took a step
I went outside the boundaries that were set

I challenged the dare
I was blind to my dreams
And tried to fight my thoughts
And face my fears

For I thought this was how I was supposed to be

I thought I had loved
But the love was forced
I was blind to what was real
And I allowed you to be in control

For you were the artist
And I was just the muse
Who was overworked
And eventually abused

Qualities: Peculiar and essential character, nature, or feature Page 62-

I have grown throughout this past year in a half and I have gained an enormous amount of self-respect for myself. I know I have caged my heart and have partially closed myself out to the world, but I think I’m ready for a change now. I’m sick of drugging myself with deception and prescription drugs that aren’t even prescribed to me. I can’t believe I’m going to be twenty soon, I didn’t even think I would live to be eighteen.

: Memoirs:

Hidden under the debris
Lies a bed of flowers
Age 19

Needing water
Needing substance to endure
Forever tainted
And deterred

The wind
Blowing the petals
Face to face
No such embrace

Hearing a knock at the door
Opening slowly
Seeing your face
Hands shaking behind you
As my eyes see the flowers
The flowers that you have picked
Dismissed from the ground in which they had existed

Placing in my hands
Imprinting in my heart
Age 19
I realized life

Unaltered
No longer hidden
For you rescued me from the ground
And placed me to higher quarters
And relieved me from torture

Watered
Nurtured
Rejuvenated and pure
Blooming and beautiful
Realizing the generosity of life
Aging 20

Page 61-Blended: Combined into an integrated whole

I’m projecting the feelings that once had controlled my life. I am now able to talk about what had happened to me than denying it and keeping it bottled up inside. I know life is beautiful, but the beauty hasn’t taken over me yet. Today actually hasn’t been that bad, it is Wednesday after all and Wednesday’s are my favorite days. : Falling Into Myself: Drops of rain fall on the ground Tears drip from my eyes without a sound No words are said Just my tears are shed The pain won’t go But the memories are embedded Love has an end It doesn’t last that long It leaves one drained and it left me with pain For the thoughts won’t stop running through my head I might as well be dead For I am filled with only sorrow Which motivates me to run away I wake up to each day Slowly burying memories of the old And bad recollections of the new For no story like that can be told For it is mine It came from the drops of my eye

Page 60-Perception: Act or result of perceiving

I’m sitting in the middle of a grassy field; I love how nature alters my mood and feeling. Have you ever had a feeling that your life expectancy wasn’t very long? Well, ever since I could remember I used to have these feelings that I wouldn’t have a very long life. Death doesn’t scare me, but failure does. I just want to succeed and have people believe in me. I wonder sometimes if I will ever get any of my poems published, I guess only time can tell.

: Redemption:

Dissolving into the air
Becoming one with nature
I know longer glare at the stars above
I have lost what I had loved
I have lost everything but my blood

The blood is draining from my heart
I feel myself dying
I am drained from everything I have known
I am seeping
Waking without soul

My body has released itself
My emotions have dispelled
Crumbling from my being
My eyesight is deceiving

My dreams have been altered
My concentration is no longer
I do not know what I am doing
My heart is losing

My eyes burning me
My heart is hurting
How can I be strong?
When I feel weakness is haunting me

Saltiness
The only taste I can distinguish
Hardship
The only feeling that I’m used to
Pain
The only noun that has filled my hollow being

I hope this isn’t the end
I pray that I succeed
Will my tears be the end of me?
How can I be strong when my blood is rushing out of me?

I am dissolving

Page 59

Tomorrow comes
Another day resides
My body tired as usual
Not knowing where the minutes will take me
The night comes
As I close my eyes
I am struck with images

Saddened by memories
What I experience is for no one to judge
These are the pages of what has happened
They are apart of my life
My feelings reside

I am tied down

Chapter Six

I am lost in this fog of immortality. I am tired of this mindless consumption of entrapment. I have accepted the truth, yet I’m still not over it, and now I feel as though I’m counting the days until I am no longer existent. I am not suicidal, at least not anymore, but I am trying to find more to life than this misery and dejection. I am honestly trying, I really am and no one can tell me otherwise. The only bad thing is that whenever I think that things are going well, I get trapped and tortured again with the penalties of my past.

Page 58-Modified: Change, Limited meaning of

Things have to change, I need to stop writing about this change and start acting on it. I never thought that I can aggravate my own self with my own problems, but goodness was I wrong. I have a confession though, I saw the guy who took advantage of me the other day. He didn’t see me, but I saw him and it triggered so many thoughts. It was an odd feeling though, because I didn’t even want to cry, yell, or hurt him, I just felt numb and dazed out. My life has turned into an ongoing cycle, I need to put an end to this tension, and break this circle of heartache. : Shedding Truthfully: Dark as night My sorrow resides The moonlight glistening I am under no light I am naked This is the truth I can no longer lie to you This is my story It is far from innocent Clear as day This is how I’m portrayed: My tears are shedding I can’t even look at you I’m in disbelief My feelings were stolen Taken for granted I thought he was true He deceived me That’s what he left me with This painful feeling within: deception I am broken Remembering everything Reminiscing things that are unwanted I hate this feeling I hate him I never thought I could feel this way But I do Karma you say? Don’t hold on to your past How long will people say that? It’s not right This is a part of me I can’t even accept myself I’m in pieces and I can’t even lie I forgot what I loved I forgot how to feel I have turned numb to emotions And that is the scariest feeling that has peeled

Page 57-Marvel: Feel surprise or wonder

Another day of rain, which obviously means another day without my umbrella. I can’t stand late classes because that just means another day of running for dear life into my house. I got home really late tonight and I had to run up my stairs because I have become so paranoid of someone attempting to chase me or attack me. I literally had to sit in my car for a while with my doors locked before I ran into my apartment. I wonder if I’ll ever appreciate the night again, I miss stargazing, and most of all I miss not being afraid. I’m sick of crying myself asleep every night and feeling so empty inside. I wouldn’t really call an hour or two actual sleep, but I get what I can. What can one do when illusions consume one’s mind? The rain definitely does something to my thought process; it just makes me think outside the box I usually am trapped in. Believe it or not, I’m actually starting to look at things in a more positive light. I know it’s easier said than done, but I can’t allow my past relationship to affect my future. Once I overcome all this, I will be stronger and once I am successful, I will finally be happy.

: The Effects In Progress:

Unwinding
The rain taking me away
My mind is clear
My body free from pain
Yet there is a cast around both my feet
For this is what happened to me:

I ran from you
Because you chased me away
I ran for miles every day
Distancing myself away from you
My body bear
For I gave you everything
Even my soul
I was left with not even a name of my own
For that is how deep I fell for you
And that’s when my feet began to bruise

I passed the trees
Not even taking time to enjoy the scene
I listened to you
You told me to go
But I still held on
I still had hope

As the rain came down hard
My body was soaked
I could feel the damp earth between my toes
So many thoughts came to me
I had to blink my eyes to see
For the water was submerging me
In that instant
I tripped over a stump of a tree
That is how my feet began to bleed

The day was far from lighter
The sun had just set
As the rain began to dissipate
I knew my body couldn’t rest
I saw you in my mind
It was a twisted attraction
That caused me dissatisfaction
That’s when I realized
That your love was a lie
For why would something so pure need to be proven
Why would you enjoy seeing me cry?

I still kept going though
Faster and harder
For I was a fighter
I ran for you
I ran to you
To prove you my love
And to tell you that I no longer wanted to be with you

As our eyes met
My feet began to break from under me
As my knees dropped to the ground
I took deep breaths
And explained to you my regret
And this is what I said:

You tore me apart
Bruised my heart
You tripped me up
And knocked me down
You made me fall over
And enjoyed my face in the ground
You even broke my bones
Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?
For you are the cause of why I can’t sleep
You don’t have to answer me
For I know you will try to justify yourself
But this is how it is
And this is how I feel
You promised me the world
For the world is not yours to give

I was counting on your love
But I went hungry for months
And now you want to explain
Just listen to me this time
I can’t let you feed me any more lies
How does that allow me to progress my life?



You’re selfish
A characteristic that is easy to deny
You’re a liar
A liar that caused me to become blind
But you’re also the liar that managed to help my life

You’re probably confused
You probably don’t understand
And your thinking I’ll come back
If some time will just pass
But you’re wrong
And only time can prove that
I don’t want to hear a word from your mouth
You better understand that
Listen to me
Pay attention
You never understood me
You were living in a lie
Your selfish little world
That possessed you to take control
Of not just me, but everybody

I denied your characteristics
I tried to better your life
Yet I listened to your wants
And tried to make them right
That is why I ran, when you chased me away
You thought I would come back closer
But it distanced me away

My mind is set right
I believe the rain cleansed me
It’s something you can’t understand
And maybe never experience
For your mind is not open

I will tell you this
Once and for all
If it wasn’t for your chase
I wouldn’t have realized so soon
What a mistake I had made











And for the bruises and the cuts
That is not love
But it allowed me to find my heart
As you consistently tried to break me apart
I ran back to tell you this
As I am before you now
I can no longer feel my legs
For I had nothing to break my falls
I didn’t have you
I just had myself
And I have realized that’s all I need
Is my self-respect

Unwinding
As the sun rises
My mind is clear
My body free from pain
Yet there is a cast around both my feet
But my body, soul, and mind have found tranquility