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January 2005

Again and again I find myself doing something I wish I didn’t, but this time, I don’t wish I didn’t do it, instead I wish I knew what was happening to me. I can hardly write, my hands are shaking, and I have no explanations, just a deep gut wrenching feeling my heart seldom experiences. I broke down in front of him for the first time today and I had no control over my tears. For the first time I let someone see what lied under my tough exterior and sadly, I showed him my weakness. I can’t remember the last time I had ever felt that vulnerable, it was so scary and I hope I never feel like that again. He left my house just a little while ago and I know I need to sleep right now, but I don’t feel like sleeping. I wish things went differently tonight, but I’m glad I finally found someone to talk to, someone that’s nice, and I hope that this lasts long because I don’t need anyone that’s not going to stick around.