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February 2005

The way of the world
The ways of the Earth
The universe at a whole
The pieces are completing from underneath me
Or are they breaking completely?

I have been listening to the song that basically can sum up my life over and over again-Save Yourself by Sense Field. I recently have been experiencing a sadness, which has affected my health to the ends, to the depths of solitude that has literally affected the way I have been interacting with certain people. I am waiting for my break, my sense of relief from this pain. Anyhow, I am writing because this is the way I work, this is the way I am. For I am starting to think that I am becoming numb again. I feel so oblivious and my flashbacks are coming back. The darkness is taking over my mind and I am trying to pull away constantly. I just need some kind of recognition, for I am not happy, I am not satisfied with the way things are going. I have no sense of accomplishment in my life; my life is an ongoing waiting period where I am constantly waiting all the time. When will I ever win? When will I ever be in control? Here is my free write as I replay this song:

Save Yourself:

The echoes surround me
I am listening to the sounds of the container I stand in
I am in when everyone else is out
For I see them
I have my doubts
I have created this falsity
It somehow protects me
Leave me be

Such is life
For this is the life I have been given
The challenge
I have forgiven

Numerous times I count
I lay in the darkness of all night
I count the numerous spectacles in the sky
For I can not keep up
I am knocked down by these numbers
I am brought down by the sounds
The sounds of thunder as the rain begins to pour over my soul

I begin to run
Not knowing where I am
Not caring where I fall
I have fallen
I am lying
Lying on the ground you have made for me
This ground that has protected my skin from chafing

I hear the echoes
They are near
Chasing me down
Making me weak
I am not devoured by these memories
The memories of this hatred
I am still recovering