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January 10, 2005

The motion of sorrow rushes over my body this morning. It is only 9:55 AM and I don’t even know where to begin. I had a nightmare last night and it has caused this emotion to arise. My stomach feels twisted and my mind feels tangled with thoughts that I am trying to restrain from thinking about. My heart hurts and the only the only thing that I can say is that whenever I attempt to get close to someone, these nightmares stop me and I am scared. I think the worst part of all, is that I keep this inside of me. I try to cry, but I have become number to this feeling of sorrow for myself. Does this mean that I will be taken advantage of again? I need to stay away, don’t I? My nightmare was so strange; I don’t recall all the parts. All I remember is that I felt used, I was crying, this guy had damaged my hands and they were scared, red, bruised throughout. I tried running away from him and I kept saying, “ Was this some kind of bet to have your way with me?” I guess I dream about what I’m insecure about and maybe it’s not what is actually going on in my life at this current time. I believe my dreams have three main purposes, one is to warn me, two, Is to show me what I am scared of, and three, to interpret. I just don’t want to be used like I have been in the past and I guess that’s what ends up hitting me the hardest. This has definitely ruined my morning and will probably be the cause of a bad day. I was supposed to start all over this year! Why me?