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January 20, 2005

I feel as though my organs are vanishing from underneath my skin, my body, my molding. I don’t know, but the saying “when it rains, it pours: is extremely true. I guess everything is just hitting me hard today. I wish I felt normal, but I don’t even know what normality feels like since I don’t think I ever held this characteristic. I think I will just lay down tonight and cry, basically let it all out and feel sorry for myself. I don’t even know if any tears will fall because I have become so numb to so many things. I know I should be counting my blessings, but it is so hard when you feel raped, literally raped from any type of “real” pleasure you have ever experienced. The worst feeling is when you discover that basically everything is a lie. I’m glad that I finally have someone who actually cares about me. I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, but I can’t help it, I blame it on the post traumatic stress disorder. Anyway, I need to lie down and soak my comforter with my pain.